Discerning Adoption, Part III: It Costs What??!!

Today we’re tackling the third and final (for now) installment in my series about our adoption process: $$$$$$$$. If you need to catch up, here is Part 1 (Discerning Adoption)  and Part 2 (Picking a Path). How Much Does It Cost? As I mentioned yesterday, the current average cost of private domestic infant adoption is about $40,000. Let that number sink in for a minute. $40,000. Adopting through foster care is practically free. Adopting children with special needs is likewise considerably less. And around the country, a few small local agencies manage to keep costs low(ish). But, beyond that, adopting most everywhere else, in 2018, costs more than I earned annually for the first 14 years of my adult life. Understandably, lots of people get sticker shock when they hear the cost. Chris and I certainly did. Going in, we expected adoption to cost us $25,000…which is still a lot of money, but it’s not $40,000…or $50,0000…or $60,0000—all numbers we’ve heard from friends currently going through the process. The bottom line is that private adoption is insanely expensive and getting more expensive by the year. It’s so expensive that it’s prohibitive for the average couple of child-bearing age to do once, let alone multiple times. This is a problem. It is a huge problem. I would have exactly zero nieces and nephews if my siblings had to fork out $40,000 of their own cash for each of their children. Most of us just don’t have that much in liquid funds lying around, and adoption shouldn’t only be for the rich. So, how does anyone afford the cost? Is it all necessary? Is it worth it? On the one hand, we’re talking about a child here, not a car, a house, or a fancy piece of jewelry, so….yes! Of course it’s worth it! A child is a gift beyond price, and when I’m old and gray (so, like, in three years), I’d rather have a child in my home than $40,000 in my bank account. That, however, is not really the question. The real question is whether or not that price is justified. Where Does All The Money Go? Since I’m not familiar with the 990s of most adoption agencies, I can only speak to our particular case. Here’s how it breaks down. About a quarter of the money goes to our adoption attorney, who is working like a dog to help the expectant mom who chose us mom and keep the process running smoothly. She is earning her paycheck and then some. Another sizable chunk goes to the matching service with whom our attorney works. The woman who runs that also has bills to pay and kids to feed, and it costs money to do what she does. Her fees seem a little high to me, but since I’m not looking at her ledgers, I can’t say for sure. Then, there are the agencies and social workers doing our home study and processing all the interstate paperwork. They work hard to ensure our home is a healthy place for a baby, and that the situation is good for all involved. The people doing that deserve their paycheck. Additionally, there are court fees, filing fees, criminal record check fees, profile book costs, etc.: I categorize these as “necessary evils.”

Another chunk of the total cost is birthparent support. Many people who place their babies for adoption do so because they’re not in a stable situation. Accordingly, during the pregnancy, most need some form of help to increase their stability: housing, transportation, groceries, medical care, maternity clothes, etc. Many also need counseling. How much help you can give and what sort of help the woman needs depends upon her particular situation and the benefits her state provides. There’s one more cost to mention: travel. If you do an out-of-state adoption, your adoption usually involves at least two weeks of hotel, transportation, and food, plus (in many cases) plane fare. If the paperwork takes longer to process or if medical complications arise, this obviously takes longer. Most agencies don’t include the cost of travel in their estimates, so if you’re thinking about adopting a baby that is not in your local area, make sure to add five thousand onto the total they give you.

So, that’s where the money goes. Is it a lot? Yes. It is justified? In our particular situation, we think mostly yes. Is my stomach twisted into a thousand knots from the stress of having to write such big checks all the time? Heck, yes! But, we believe God is in charge of this situation, so I’m working on trust. Working, working, working…

How Does Anyone Afford It?

As is my wont, I researched the heck out of this question last year, and discovered that normal people (a.k.a. those of us without trust funds) get pretty creative when it comes to paying for adoptions. Some take out personal loans or home equity loans. Others work and save for a long time before even beginning the process. Many have help from family. Many also do some kind of fundraiser—ranging from crowd funding to benefit dinners, running marathons, silent auctions, and yard sales. There also are adoption grants and loans that can help with some (but not all) of the costs. Lastly, everyone who adopts and makes less than $203,000 annually is eligible for a $13,800 tax credit (as of 2018). This is a huge help after the fact…but not before. In the end, most people do a combination of things.

For us, we’re paying for the adoption partly through a home equity loan, partly through the help of family, partly through the YouCaring fundraiser started by our friend, Kellie, and possibly, (if we can get our home study completed in time) through adoption grants or loans. If you are matched with a baby who was born yesterday or is being born tomorrow (which happens quite often), you better hope you have all the money on hand, because most (but not all) of your expenses will be due at once. For us, the costs are spread out over seven months, and all but the last $5,000-$7,000 will be paid by the time we travel to California. This helps in some ways—especially since we were matched months before we planned on going active with an agency and were financially ready. But it also means we’re regularly scrambling to come up with the money when large payments are due.

The YouCaring Fundraiser has been a God send in this regard, so Thank You, Thank You, Thank You to everyone who has helped with that. There is absolutely no way—not even remotely—that we could be adopting Toby without this help. You really are making this adoption possible for us, and I can't adequately express our gratitude for that.

But Is There A Better Way? God, through our friends, family, and work, is providing for this adoption, and we are profoundly thankful for that. At the same time, I don’t know if we should be asking God to do quite so much providing. The cost of adoption has risen sharply in recent years, and it’s fast rising past the point of affordability. Crowd funding can only help so much. This is a problem. But, I don’t know what the answer is. Some think we should be more like Australia and other countries, where adoptions are primarily handled by the state. Maybe. But, given what I’ve seen of the foster care system, I’m not sure I like that idea.

Others are calling for the Church and non-profits to step in and help more. Siena Adoption Services in Arlington, VA, and Holy Family Adoptions in Indiana and Minnesota are two examples of this. Both were founded explicitly for the purpose of making adoption more affordable for normal families. Catholic Charities, of course, once did this, but in many places they’ve been driven out of the adoption business because they won’t place babies with same-sex couples.

In the meantime, adoptions are what they cost, and if you want to adopt a baby, you pretty much have to suck it up and find a way to pay. Some people, of course, say you shouldn’t suck it up—that fundraising, tax-credits, and grants only enable prices to continue to rise. Maybe. But, for now, the system is what it is, and I’d rather have a baby in my arms than the emotional satisfaction of taking a principled stand against high adoption costs. I am selfish that way. From here on out though, Chris and I are both committed to making adoption support, both for adoptive families and for agencies like Siena Adoption, part of our monthly tithe. People are doing this for us right now, and we want to pay that generosity forward. We can’t change the system. But, we can help change the situation of individual families. That’s something.

The End

And……I think that answers all the many and varied questions about adoption I’ve fielded thus far. If there’s more, let me know! Of course, this is just the beginning of our journey. There will be other challenges we face down the road…but I’m not writing about those until I’m on the other side of them. Also, hopefully, we get to the other side. Adoptions can fall through, and we still have four months to go. Regardless, it never ceases to amaze me how much peace I’ve felt since we were chosen to become this little guy's parents. All the grief, all the rage, all the frustration I experienced about our infertility has just faded into the background. It still stings. But it no longer stabs. That is a gift—just one of many we have been given these last months. and for that I am beyond grateful. Please, continue to keep Toby, his parents, and us in your prayers.