Called to Adoption: Part II, Picking a Path

This is Part Two in a three-part series on our discernment of adoption and the process we’re currently in. Yesterday, we covered our initial discernment. Today, I’m talking about the path we finally chose.

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By November of last year, I was feeling desperate. I so badly wanted to begin the process of adopting a baby, but, A) Neither our house nor our finances were in any way ready, and B) It seemed like every avenue we’d investigated was closed to us. Let’s review:

1. Local Traditional Agencies: Too old;

2. International Adoption: Too old, too long a wait, only older children  available;

3. Foster Care: Not the time for us.

Fortunately, I have a lot of awesome Facebook friends. In late November, I posted a random question about adoption on my Timeline. A number of people responded, directing me towards less traditional agencies and attorneys who would be happy to work with us regardless of Chris’ age. In early December, we spoke with four of them: two adoption consultant groups and two adoption attorneys.

Consulting Groups

Consulting groups are something I never even knew existed before November 28, but they I think they can be the most ethical route for pursuing adoption, allowing the agency to primarily focus on serving the mother, while giving the couple a helper who can guide them and advocate for them when necessary. They also can reduce the waiting time for couples, as consultants work with agencies and attorneys all over the country. Which means far more expectant mothers are considering you as a parent for their child than with a traditional agency. These groups also have an average match time of well under a year (which is a big deal when you are on the other side of 40). Typically they require an up front fee of about $5000, but also offer a number of helps and services for that fee (profile assistance, home study guidance, advising on different cases, etc.),

With consulting groups like these, as well as with traditional agencies and adoption lawyers, the expectant mother selects the adoptive parents. The prospective adoptive parents put an adoption profile together (essentially, a brochure about you and your spouse, filled with pictures and details about your life). Before the profile is presented to an expectant mother, the group, agency, or lawyer will tell the prospective adoptive couple about the mother and the baby (reasons she is considering adoption, her background, the history of the pregnancy thus far, etc.) and they can decide if they want their profile shown. If they do, the agency or attorney working with the mother will show expectant mother their profile and others that match her preferences for adoptive parents (white/black, Christian/no religion, no kids/other kids., etc.). And then the expectant mother makes her choice. Yes, this does feel like marketing yourself. Yes, those who excel at marketing themselves often get babies first. And yes, it made us uncomfortable. But, it’s how things work, so we decided to trust God and roll with it.

Chris and I were actually all set to work with a consulting group .... then Colette called.

Adoption Attorneys

Colette is a private adoption attorney. She is one of the two attorneys we spoke with in early December. Friends had worked with her on their adoption, and they sang her praises. After talking with Colette, we understood why. Helping women in crisis pregnancies is a ministry to her, not just a job. She is passionate about getting them the material and spiritual aid they need. These women are persons to her, not just sources of income, and we loved that. Another great thing about working with Colette (although not all adoption attorneys) was that we didn’t need to pay her an upfront fee, as we did with the consulting groups or agencies. You only pay her once you’re matched with a birth mom. Because of this and because we liked her so much, we planned to work with both her and the consultant. We filled out the paperwork she asked for…and then kind of forgot about it. The truth is, we hadn’t really expected anything to come of working with her because she is just one attorney, not a huge group.

Exactly one month after our initial phone call with her, though, she called us about a baby. We sent her our profile, were chosen by the mother, and instead of sending money to the consultant, we sent our check to Colette.

Bringing Baby Home

Our adoption, like most adoptions these days, will be semi-open. This means we will know the birth parents and they know us. It also means there will be some level of contact between us as Toby grows.

Depending on finances, we may or may not travel to California this spring to meet the expectant mother in person. We’ll definitely travel out in July, however, to be there for the birth of the baby (his mom needs to deliver via c-section). We’ll be there when the baby is born, we’ll stay in the hospital with him to provide care for several days, and then, when the parents sign the relinquishment of care forms, we will leave the hospital with Toby.

In California, these can be signed, with a waiver, when the mom leaves the hospital, but it varies from state to state.** After that, the birth parents' consent is irrevocable. So, they can’t change their mind a couple of days or weeks later. As long as Toby is healthy and doesn’t need additional care, we’ll stay in California for a week or two while all the interstate paperwork is processed. Then, we’ll fly home. Over the next six months or so, the agency doing our home study will do several follow-up visits, to make sure we’re coping well, and then the adoption can be finalized. This will happen in California, but we don’t have to travel out there for it. Colette will handle it, and we’ll be present via phone. After that, Toby is legally our son. He will even be issued a new birth certificate, with our names on it.

Depending on the mom and how early in the pregnancy the match takes place, working with a lawyer can be more or less expensive than an agency or consulting group. For us, it’s about average. This still means, though, that it’s going to be over $40,000, including travel and home study expenses. Yes, even now, my stomach turns when I hear that number. And when I first heard it, I had some serious questions about where the money goes and if it is justified. Tomorrow, I’ll wrap this series up by giving you the answers I found to those questions.

*Consultants should not be confused with adoption facilitators or adoption consultants, which are not legal in every state.

**In California, relinquishment forms cannot be signed before 30 days, unless the birth mom has signed a waiver after receiving a consultation from another attorney. This is what the expectant mom plans to do in our case. Again, though, check with the laws in each state, as they vary.